If your baby or toddler suddenly starts crying at bedtime, waking more at night, or needing extra reassurance when you leave the room, you’re not doing anything wrong—and neither are they. What you’re likely seeing is separation anxiety, and it’s a very normal part of development.
Let’s talk about what separation anxiety is, why it often shows up around sleep, and the most effective ways to support your child through it without creating habits that you don’t want to stick around.
What Is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is your child’s growing awareness that you are a separate person and that you can leave. While this sounds simple, it’s actually a huge cognitive and emotional leap.
When babies and toddlers form strong attachments (which is exactly what we want!), they may protest separations more loudly for a period of time. Sleep can become tricky because bedtime involves:
- Separation
- Stillness
- Darkness
- Less distraction
All of this can amplify big feelings.
Separation Anxiety Is Normal
Separation anxiety is developmentally appropriate and a sign of healthy attachment not something you’ve caused or need to “fix.”
It commonly shows up around:
You might notice:
- Increased bedtime resistance or stalling
- Crying when you leave the room
- Night wakings that didn’t happen before
- Extra clinginess during the day
The goal isn’t to eliminate separation anxiety, but to support your child through it while still protecting sleep.
Separation Anxiety Tool #1: Connection During the Day
The most powerful tools for easing separation anxiety at night start during the daytime. Ensure you are connecting with your child through playfulness, touch, eye contact and presence.
1. Eye Contact + Delighted Greetings
When your child looks at you, pause and meet their eyes. When you reunite after sleep, school, or even stepping into another room greet them with delight:
“There you are! I’m so happy to see you!”
This builds trust that separation is temporary and reunions are safe.
2. Connection During Caretaking Activities
We spend a large portion of the day doing caretaking routines- feeding, changing, bathing, dressing etc. Use these everyday moments as bonding opportunities.
- Sing a song or play peekaboo during diaper changes
- Make bath time playful with songs and pretend play
- During mealtime sit and talk with your child by narrating what they are doing
These moments fill your child’s “connection cup.”
3. Family Dinner
Sharing a meal, even a short one, creates predictable daily connection. Sit together, talk, and be fully present without devices. Family dinner is one of my favorite parts of the day with my daughters and it’s a low energy yet powerful way to reconnect at the end of the day.
4. Play Before Bedtime
Before starting the bedtime routine, spend 10–15 minutes playing together. This helps release tension and meets connection needs before separation happens.
- Baby and toddler ideas: floor time, building blocks, pretend play, hide and seek
- Preschooler and bigger kid ideas: art project, card or board game, puzzle or a dance party
Separation Anxiety Tool #2: Connection During the Bedtime Routine
- Child-Led Play
This is a powerful yet often overlooked tool that can start as early as 4 months!
During the bedtime routine, spend 5-8 minutes doing child-led play. Shift from you doing things to your child (feeding, bathing, changing, etc.) to your child being in charge.
How to do this:
- Sit on the floor with a few simple toys
- Let your child choose what and how to play
- Watch, narrate, or copy their play
- Avoid teaching, correcting, or asking questions
This helps your child move into a state of self-regulation, making separation easier.
- Deep Breathing to Calm the Body
Breathing helps calm the nervous system and doing it together creates connection. During the routine take slow deep breaths while reading or singing. Your child will often unconsciously match your breathing.
For kiddos 2 and up, incorporate breath work intentionally.
- Start with 3–5 breaths
- Build up to 1-2 minutes
A favorite visual for teaching deep breathing:
- Lie on the floor next to each other
- Place a stuffed animal on each of your bellies
- Inhale: watch the stuffie rise
- Exhale: watch it fall
For the first few nights, gently reflect:
“How does your body feel now? Does it feel more relaxed?”
- Reflection Circle: Feeling Seen and Valued
This short practice helps children feel deeply noticed and gives them a little extra dopamine before sleep. You can start this around 2.5-3 years old.
- Choose any character trait (determined, kind, brave, patient, etc.)
- Say “You are a determined kid!”
- Then, share a specific example from the day.
Example:
“When your block tower kept falling, you didn’t give up. You kept moving the pieces around and trying. That was determined of you! Way to go!”
Invite your child to share:
“Can you tell me a time today when you were determined?”
If they’re unsure, that’s okay. You can ask what they were proud of instead. This skill grows with practice and is a fantastic way to connect.
Separation Anxiety Tool #3: Leadership
Children, no matter their age, need to feel our leadership at bedtime. Without it, they can feel insecure separating. If our demeanor is passive or unsure separation anxiety often increases.
- Confident Momentum
Confident momentum means leading the routine calmly and steadily, even when there’s pushback.
This could sound like, “I hear you. Next, we’re going to change your diaper”, while you narrate the routine to a fussy 8 month old. Or it could sound like validation to a toddler, “I know you don’t want to sleep. I get it. It is bedtime. While you wait for your body to sleep you can sing to yourself or cuddle your bear and I will see you in the morning.”
- A Tool for the End of the Routine: “I’ll Come Check on You”
For kiddos 2 and up who struggle most with the moment you leave, this tool provides reassurance without staying until they fall asleep.
You might say:
“I’m going to tuck you in, then I’ll come back and check on you. If you stay quietly in your bed, I will keep checking on you until you fall asleep. You don’t need to call for me or come get me. I will come check on you.”
Keep the check very simple and scripted. Go to the door and say the same thing every time:
“I’m checking on you. I’ll be back in 5 minutes. I love you. Goodnight.”
Before bedtime, practice this during the day so your child knows what to expect.
Also teach what they can do while they wait:
- Take deep breaths
- Sing a song
- Count to 20
- Wiggle toes
- Talk to stuffed animals
Role-play these together so they feel confident.
Separation Anxiety and Sleep: The Big Picture
Separation anxiety can feel exhausting but with consistent connection, clear routines, and confidence, most children move through this phase quickly.
If bedtime has started to feel overwhelming or you’re not sure how to balance reassurance with independent sleep, you don’t have to figure it out alone. As a pediatric sleep consultant, I work with families every day navigating separation anxiety and sleep challenges.
💗 Support, reassurance, and a plan can make all the difference.
If you’d like personalized help, I’m always happy to talk through what’s going on and what support might look like for your family.
Separation Anxiety and Sleep FAQs
Is separation anxiety a sleep regression?
Sometimes. Separation anxiety often overlaps with sleep regressions around 8–9 months, 12 months, 18 months, and 2 years.
Will responding to separation anxiety ruin independent sleep?
No. Supporting your child with connection and clear routines can actually strengthen independent sleep long-term.
How long does separation anxiety last at bedtime?
With consistency and reassurance, most children move through this phase within a few weeks.
Why does separation anxiety feel worse at bedtime?
Bedtime includes separation, stillness, darkness, and fewer distractions. Big feelings that are held together during the day often surface at night, which is very normal.
Should I stay until my child falls asleep?
Not necessarily. Staying until your child is fully asleep can sometimes make separation harder. Tools like planned check-ins, breathing, and child-led connection offer reassurance while still supporting independent sleep.
When should I ask for help?
If bedtime feels overwhelming or you’re unsure how to support your child without creating new sleep struggles, extra support can make things feel much easier. You can contact me here.